A Weeping Christian: When Faith and Grief Collide

A blog by Kimberly Crumby

A Decade and a Day

Hannah's 4th birthday

Hannah’s 4th birthday

One decade ago, almost exactly at this minute, I was finally delivering my first-born- a baby girl who was stubborn from the beginning. She was due on February 11th, but as we would later find out, she did things when she was good and ready.

One day five years ago, I held my first-born as she was unhooked from the machine that provided her steady breaths. We had no way of knowing how things would go, but true to form, she took her last breath when she was good and ready.

One decade ago, I had no clue what being a mom would really be like- the sleep deprivation, the smiles that made it worth it, the tantrums, and the giggles.

One day five years ago, I had no clue what being a mom without her child would be like- the never-ending tears, the feeling of literally breaking in half, the depression, and the smiles and laughter that would eventually return.

One decade ago, I had dreams for my sweet girl that included going to school, signing up for sports or dance (or both), learning to drive, and choosing a wedding dress.

One day five years ago, I had to bury all those dreams along with my child. The burial is one moment in time, but the dreams, and the reminders they won’t come true, are never-ending.

One decade ago, I believed and trusted in God. But I’m not sure I really knew all of Him.

One day five years ago, I began what I can only describe as a much deeper relationship with Him full of questions and wrestling and tears. As Job said, I knew of God, but in the last five years I’ve really seen him. (Job 42:5)

One decade ago, I had no idea what was in store for my sweet Hannah and our family. I still don’t know what’s ahead. Who does?

One day five years ago, part of our story became brutally clear. But I do know that ultimately, our family will be reunited. And the most important part of our family will be there- God himself.

Happy birthday, Hannah Grace.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2 

{It’s not too late to get involved with this year’s Hearts 4 Hannah project. Visit a previous post at here for more details.}

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