When a day is full of joy and pain…*Disclaimer- this was originally intended for last Sunday, but my blog wasn’t cooperating with me. Probably in protest of me ignoring it for so long.
Our beautiful girl has now been on this earth for one whole year. In the blur of sleep-deprived nights, job changes, and just the busyness of life, it does not seem nearly possible that all these days have passed.
On this picture perfect fall day, my heart is so full of joy and pain. For I know that this huge blessing in the form of a sweet baby resulted from another mother’s sacrifice and sadness. I caught myself wondering what she felt like in the moments leading up to a date that surely is carved into her mind for a lifetime. I fervently prayed that God would give her a sense of peace and use his Holy Spirit to assure her that this baby girl is cherished and adored. Because she is. And we are the ones who are blessed.
I also remember this day 5 short years ago.
I took it for granted that the low-grade fever that began inside the body of my 1st beautiful girl was just a typical childhood illness. We hated that she was missing picture day at her pre-school and hoped she would be able to go have them taken the next day. Her sweet daddy and I had no idea that she would never return to that place.
And then, in what seemed like a cruel twist, 5 years later this precious baby arrived in violent, fear-filled moments.
I remember my heart crying out to God that I could not do this again…I could not bury another child. But you know what? I could have. That realization fills my soul with both freedom and fury. Freedom that I know anything in this life is survivable…and fury that it has to be this way. That this earth is so cruel. Freedom that I know this sphere is not my forever home and one day, it will all make sense.
I am so on-my-knees grateful that this baby was meant to be taken from her birth mother’s womb unscathed. And indeed she was. Perfect…whole…healthy. My heart will follow suit one day when I am in the presence of Jesus.
As Job said, the Lord gives and he takes away. This is one of the hardest things for me- accepting that if I believe that God gives, I must also believe that he takes away. Why should my child be taken? I will never know…just as I will never know why I was deemed worthy to raise another’s child. May I always echo Job with my spirit sometimes shouting and oftentimes whispering “blessed be the name of the Lord“…even and especially when he takes away.