A Year of Hard Dreams
2013 saw me following Holley Gerth’s vision for God-sized dreaming.
I didn’t do it perfectly…in fact, not even close. I had to cling to one of God’s most beautiful attributes- forgiveness. He forgives and lets us keep trying though we don’t deserve such grace and mercy.
When I began the process of really discovering, accepting, and working towards my God-sized dreams, I was shaking in my boots. Now, I think back to that time and wonder if God was giving me a sense that I indeed had reason to shake.
After many months of asking God if he was sure about all this, I actually admitted that I believed God was putting the desire to adopt on my heart. So, that was one huge thing I listed as part of my God-sized dreams. Little did I know our hearts would be broken (again)…that God would demonstrate how only he can lovingly mend the pieces back together (again)…and then show us how our carefully put-back-together hearts could almost burst with joy.
Another area about which I felt God speaking to me was using the story of our sweet pea, Hannah Grace, to minister to others. I can’t quite find the same obvious resolution with this dream; I’ve found that this one is going to take some more prayer, time, and direction.Our church did begin a GriefShare ministry, but it has been difficult to get it off the ground. I worked diligently last winter and spring on writing about Hannah’s journey. I got to the point right before her death- and I quit. And I sense God whispering to me that it’s ok- to every thing there is a season. I have not traveled around talking to women or people who are grieving about how God brought me back from the depths of despair…maybe I will someday. Or maybe not. No one ever said God gives you the road map to your life all at once.
At the beginning of 2013, I thought God might be sending me in the direction of building this blog…getting Hannah’s story all neatly recorded…attending conferences…but no.
Instead, I write in the scant moments that I can grab while being a wife, a mom of a six year old and a baby, and a new school administrator. It would be easy for me to think all my dreams have not been realized, but really they have- not in the ways I thought or even wanted at times, but in God’s perfect omniscience. And that is enough.