A Weeping Christian: When Faith and Grief Collide

A blog by Kimberly Crumby

My Heart Turns Violently

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he loves us

 

As I rocked my precious baby girl tonight, I sang with a voice broken by thick tears.

The same song I began singing almost nine years ago to another precious baby girl. The song I last sang as that precious girl lay in my arms in the last hours of her life here on this hard earth.
 

My heart.

As the leaves have reached their autumnal glory, I notice that they are starting to fall. Too soon…I’m not ready for bare branches.

It takes me back to a season spent watching the hard earth change from the confines of a hospital room.
 

My heart turns.

As I watch another mother say hello and goodbye to her precious baby girl over the course of two scant hours, I cannot really take it in. I hug her with all my might while I hold her daughter…my daughter…God’s daughter. I tell her I love her as I feel her tears on my shoulder. I tell her I can’t thank her enough for trusting me with her child. I concentrate with all I have on trying to make her feel what I have in my heart for her and the child she bore…I try to literally press my love into her.

As I drive home, I am thrown back in time to when I said goodbye to my daughter…God’s daughter. The choice I made to give her over to the one who could truly provide her healing. I told her I loved her as tears spilled down my cheeks. I concentrated on trying to make her feel what I had in my heart for her. I held her as tightly as I could so that she could feel my love for eternity.
 

My heart turns violently.

How he loves us.
 

{Please pray for those whose hearts are turning during this season of life…and please let me know how I can pray for you.}

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10 thoughts on “My Heart Turns Violently

  • Dana Butler says:

    Kimberly,

    Thank you for this post, for the timing, for it showing up in my inbox tonight. You and I connected a while back– I don’t know if you remember me or not. My husband and I fostered a baby girl till she was almost two and then lost her to a very broken system. Horrific. Not the same as your journey, but parallels.

    We have a bio son who just turned three and we adopted our baby girl Maia in June.

    And I just am so tracking tonight with your loving your baby girl for who she is, yet grieving still. Tracking with the agonizing choice to TRUST the Father’s heart as you sing that song over your girl now (there are a few songs I sang over Tali that I still can’t sing over Maia). And as you love one whose loss is so fresh. May you sense God tangibly holding your heart tonight, friend.

    Bless you. Wish I could hug you.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      Dana- Yes! Of course I remember your story…so many parallels. I still can’t really wrap my mind around the emotions that flood my heart when I sing some of those same songs…say some of the same things…exactly the reason I subtitled this blog “when joy and grief collide”. At the time I christened it, I had no way of knowing how even more strongly I would experience that. So so thrilled that you were eventually able to adopt…God indeed redeems. I suppose a virtual hug will have to settle…XOXO.

  • Hillary Myers says:

    I have not felt that type of pain ever before, but your words hit me so hard. I’m praying for you always.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      Sweet Hillary…I hope that you never will. You have such an empathetic soul…one reason you will be a great counselor one day. Thank you, sweet friend.

  • Chelle says:

    Oh, I felt your heart as I read this, Kimberly. Thank God for Grace, and also for your words and the confort they give so many.
    Peace ands good to you, sweet dreaming sister.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      I’m so glad you connected to what I was trying to say…always God, never me. Keep dreaming, sister!

  • Jenny B. says:

    Beautiful words. I thought of you yesterday as I was sitting with my boys at McDonald’s. Braden’s 9th birthday is tomorrow, and I was looking at him and thinking about Hannah Grace, and about how I wonder if grief grabs you hard at odd moments. I imagine it does. I pray for you every time I think of her, which is often. I’m so thankful that God can and does use all things for the good of those who love Him.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      9…wow. Hard for me to believe Miss Hannah would have been 9 in a few months. It does happen that way…GriefShare calls them grief ambushes. But they come less often now…and I never thought I would say that 4 years ago. You are so sweet to think of Hannah…and me…and intercede on my behalf. Thanks for letting me know. Hugs to you.

  • Christie M says:

    Just Beautiful Kim! Tearing as I read this. Thanks for continuing to share. Love how you can uniquely relate to your little girls birthmom through your own loss. God works in miraculous ways.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      He does indeed, Christie. It was just almost too much, but God provides. Thank you for reading…I so love seeing pictures of your cutie pie on Facebook. Have a great 1st Christmas with her!