A Weeping Christian: When Faith and Grief Collide

A blog by Kimberly Crumby

September Comes Every Year

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September always comes in with a hurried pace; school has started a few weeks before, and we have the annual adjustment of returning back to real life after the long days of summer. This year, September came in on an even faster whirlwind fueled by a new job and new school for me and a new beginning for my sweet kindergarten boy.

About the time I am able to exhale the breath I’ve been holding from mid-August till now, it hits me that this is the month that everything changed for us.

Was it really four years ago that I took my sweet girl to the Clothesline Fair over Labor Day weekend? All at once it seems like an eternity ago…but at the same time just yesterday.

This September, I think about how, in some ways, I wish I would have known how much I needed to savor those first sixteen days of the ninth month of 2009. I also think about how I’m also glad I didn’t know what was headed our way. One thing I’ve discovered with grief is that my mind and heart are capable of living in a strange dichotomy. Things are not black and white; in fact, I often can’t even decipher what color anything is. Those are the moments that I have to decide that it’s ok that I can’t figure it all out. It’s more than ok- it’s trust. And it’s hard.

As I wait for September the 17th to rear its ugly head, I am also waiting for something else. Something that has everything to do with Hannah’s death but that evokes much different emotions. I’m waiting for something that will be living proof that God indeed works all things for good for those who love Him. Not that all things that happen are good- but God can even use the worst tragedies to demonstrate His love and tender mercies.

I am waiting on a new little person…a precious baby girl…who could never replace our Hannah Grace but will be a living, breathing testimony to the enormity of her life. I also wait and rest in knowing that nothing in this world is promised- including that this baby will actually be ours forever. And yet, we rest. Hoping. Trusting. Praying. Knowing that God has been and will always be faithful.

Will you join us in praying for this baby girl…our birth mom…the adoption process? 
 

Waiting is so hard for many of us- I would love it if you would comment about how you cope when you are waiting…especially when what you are waiting for will be life changing in either positive or negative ways, and you have no way of knowing which way it will go.

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14 thoughts on “September Comes Every Year

  • Amy Byrket says:

    Kimberly, you’re always in my prayers, especially as we come into Septemeber through December. Hannah remains a huge part of where my life has changed and groqn over the past 4 years. i still amazes me how God has allowed a family in Arkansas to change the path if a mom from Indiana. And from that has come an organization that help dancer families. Amazing! I am so happy to hear you are heading to a new blessing! I can’t give waiting advice, lol. I stink at it! God Bless you all!!!
    Love Amy Byrket

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      It is pretty amazing how our stories can affect one another even from a long distance. I never have asked- how did you originally find out about Hannah? You probably have told me and I just didn’t retain that piece of information…happens to me quite often. So thankful you have shared how your life has been changed through our sweet Hannah Grace.

  • Reba says:

    I did a lot of praying. I also fasted fairly regularly. And I kept a journal for my kids about how we were waiting. I blogged to share any news with family/friends as well as prayer requests. I wish I had done a little more organizing and cleaning because once child 3 came along, life got really hectic… :)

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      I would like to know more about your fasting…I’ve been hearing so much about that the last few years, but I’m one of those people who gets weak (and grouchy!) if I don’t eat after about 6 hours! Would love any advice you can give. I totally understand what you mean- I did not want to get a nursery together until I knew it wasn’t going to fall through, and now I have a big mess on my hands. Oh well…it will get done…one day. :)

  • Bonnie says:

    Oh Kimberly. Such a hard month of memories. Praying for you as your remember and think ahead. I don’t have a good answer to how to cope except to pray and spend time with those you enjoy and who lift you up! You are one of those people for me! : ) love you!

  • Lynn says:

    Waiting is something I don’t do very well. My family is waiting for a judgement. Waiting for someone to be punished for taking someone from us. Everyday I have to constantly remind myself that God will ultimately prevail, but also prepare myself for the reality that I might not ever see it in my earthly life. So as I wait, I bury myself in music

    , where I feel closest to God. I t

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      I’m so sorry that you are still waiting on earthly retribution…it is so hard to come to grips with the fact that you may never see justice or know why here on this earth. I also find a lot of solace in music. Thanks for sharing…

  • Caroline says:

    Kimberly, I am praying for you through this difficult month of loss and the hope of your adoption.
    My waiting is a different waiting than yours, but I deal with this every day as I wait for further development of physical, mental and social skills of my sweet Kinsley. It is sometimes a very difficult thing to do. My way of coping is to pray for patience and to live my life as normally as possible. Play with my sweet girl, keep up with friends, go out with my husband, work, worship, run errands, cook, clean, etc. all while leaning on God for the strength to do it all. :)

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      Caroline- sounds like you have a very healthy way of “waiting”. Your precious girl is such a cutie pie…you have often been on my heart as I’ve read about your journey. Patience seems to be especially hard when it has to do with our children!

      • Caroline says:

        I should have added that I am not always good at it! Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, so I know I’m only getting any of it through the Lord.
        Also, praise the Lord for your beautiful Caroline! So happy for this wonderful blessing for your family.
        Thank you for the prayers for our family. They are always appreciated and greatly needed. :)

  • Laurinda Joenks says:

    Kim, I just close my eyes, hold my breath and jump in. Then hang on until the next adventure. No regrets!

    Waiting and praying with you.

    • kimberly.crumby@att.net says:

      Laurinda- I’m getting a little better at jumping in…but that’s not my nature. God continues to show me that I have to trust and make the leap! Thank you for your prayers…

  • Dana Butler says:

    I’m so glad you have your baby girl now. So glad.