I find myself with swollen, red eyes this morning unlike any I’ve had since the aftermath of saying goodbye to our precious Hannah Grace.
We have moved from the mountaintop to the valley…back to the mountaintop…and now we find ourselves in whatever would be even lower than the valley.
We got a call around 5 yesterday…in the middle of a baby shower for our sweet twins… that their biological mother had changed her mind and faxed in a form to our county’s court house. Since she cannot give them a suitable home, DHS told us they would be taking them into foster care. There are many more details, but I don’t even feel like typing them out right now. A DHS caseworker came and got them around 8 last night as we held them sleeping peacefully in our arms.
Devastated. Heartbroken. Questioning.
This is not the same as having to watch Hannah struggle and lying beside her as she took her last breath…but it brings a lot of that back up. We do not understand why, out of all the things we would have to do in this life, it had to be this. Giving up children who we felt in our heart of hearts were ours to love and take care of- unbelievable.
Is this part of God’s plan? I don’t know. His plans are complicated by the fact that we have free will, and people make choices that would never in a million years be part of his plan.
Can God use this? Yes…although right at the moment I’m having trouble figuring out how, and I may not see it for a long time…or ever here on this hard earth.
We are still praying that somehow these beautiful boys will end up back in our arms, but we realistically know the chances of that are not good.
As my heart cries out to God asking why, I’m reminding myself of what I wrote just four short days ago- trust…hang on…he is faithful.