A Weeping Christian: When Faith and Grief Collide

A blog by Kimberly Crumby

Fear, round 2

As I got ready to title this, I thought I had a post already titled “Fear”… sure enough, that one appeared back in December. Hence, fear… round 2.
This week, I have been pondering fear. I think this is something we all face at some point in our lives… in fact, many of us have waged a fierce battle against this very daunting opponent.
Specifically, it’s the unknown that can all but do us in sometimes.

Growing up, I was the queen of imagining all the things that “could” happen when something was coming that really worried my soul. My wise mom always told me that most of the things we fear don’t even happen. As an adult, I’ve learned that is very true- and it’s often the things we never think of (like in a million years) that sneak up on us.
God continues to teach me that fear is very palpable, and it’s one of the fibers that form my being. But, praise God, I can look at the circumstances of the last 3 plus years and see that God has taught me (and still is teaching me) to not fear….I have a feeling this will be one of those continuous lessons for me.
There is hardly anything in the world I can think of that inspires as much fear as preparing to watch doctors remove a tube from your precious child’s throat that has sustained her life… and not knowing at all how it’s going to end. Now, realistically we knew that it was going to end in Hannah Grace being in the presence of God himself; but the doctors even admitted that they could not really tell us how long it would take. They guessed that it would be a matter of hours; following the pattern that our warrior princess had set, she continued to breathe on her own for approximately 41 hours.
Looking back, I think that fear of the unknown surrounding those hours was what weighed heaviest on my tired heart. I had reason to be scared- those were hours I will never, ever forget even when I want to. I weep even as I sit here and type.
But you know what? I’m still sitting here…living, breathing, joy filled. Not to say it hasn’t been a terrible journey, but I’m here through the strength and grace of God. As a result of that experience, I can look fear head on in its ugly face when I have to… I still shake and tremble, but God holds me up. I would never have dreamed of considering adoption (and we still don’t know what will happen with that) or attempting to record our story (um, yea… still working on starting that one) before; while I still struggle with fear and wishing God would just give me a glimpse of how this is all going to end up, I’m trying to say yes when I know God is whispering something to my heart… or hitting me over the head with it as the case may be.
Imagine the fear the Israelites felt as they passed between two huge columns of water (I love Beth Moore’s idea of Heaven showing us what events such as this looked like) watching sea creatures swimming. Imagine what the disciples felt like when they made the decision to leave their lives and follow Jesus… and then poor, rash Peter had to step out into the ocean and trust Jesus to keep him from drowning. The parting of the sea and walking on water weren’t exactly events that people had witnessed, so those were very much tangible steps of faith.
What is happening in your life right now that turns you into a big ball of fear? Put yourself in Peter’s shoes as you take those steps in faith (even if they are halting and tiny at first) knowing that God is enough to overcome fear if you let Him.

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