3 and 5 equals joyful grief
I’m sure the title of this post makes sense to no one but me, but that’s really ok. Hopefully I can explain it where it makes a bit of sense (even a teeny, tiny bit) to anyone who may stumble across it.
The 3 part of that equation represents the 3rd fall that we are spending in grief. Three years ago, we were in the middle of the nastiest nightmare we could’ve ever imagined… no wait, actually I couldn’t have ever really imagined that. This was around the time that Hannah Grace had been through the sepsis episode, and the neurologist told us that she had no corneal reflex and was most likely essentially brain dead. Then, miraculously, she came out from under the sedation over the course of several more days… only to have setback after setback. Is the grief as raw as it was two years ago? I can honestly say it’s not- it’s there, but it’s just in a different form. It’s more of the “unfortunately I’ve gotten used to this but I will accept that as healing and still have bad days” feeling.
The 5 part of the puzzle is that my sweet baby boy will turn that wonderful age tomorrow. I know we say it all the time, but I really, truly can’t understand how this has happened. Wasn’t he just a baby? It also seems more unreal because so many months of his life were spent in such stress and then fog. He has given me so much joy and so many reasons to continue to go on.
With this birthday, however, comes that joyful grief. Grief for this fall season that brings so many hard memories… grief that I never got to see my sweet girl turn five… grief that Caleb is now older than Hannah ever got to be. I also breathe a little sigh of relief that he has made it this far. Morbid? I’m sure it is to some… but for me, I face the reality each day that he may not live to be an adult. I don’t dwell on it, and I fight the urge to try and keep him in a little bubble…. but I know it’s true. I have to repeatedly turn that over to God and let Him remind me that Caleb’s life is not in my hands- and neither was Hannah’s.
Thank you for your continued prayers- we will need them, even three more years down the road.
Now, adoption update: not much to report… DHS needed us to resubmit some paperwork that got lost in the shuffle, so as soon as that has gone through the proper channels, our file will be turned over to the adoption specialist for our county. I’m not sure what kind of time frame we are looking at after that- we still have our final home walkthrough to go.
I routinely think that we really must be totally crazy for doing this- but then I always come back to the fact that God doesn’t call us to things for which he won’t equip us. I’m just praying that we rely on him for strength and peace- the kind that only he can give.